Last week, my best friend Hillary and I met at a cafeteria and as usual, our conversation shifted to our hometown, Loikaw. On January 9,2022, we left Loikaw due to the escalating wars and both of us miss it so deeply.
In the middle of our conversation, my friend turned to me and said, “ I thought the beautiful twilight that we enjoyed beside Naungyah lake, the sounds of bells from the cathedral and the evenings we spent cycling around town would always remain with us and I believed we would have this kind of opportunity forever. But now everything is destroyed. If I could wish for one thing, it would be to enjoy those peaceful evenings again.” By the time she finished, we found ourselves with tears in our eyes and hugged each other tightly. We left the cafe with heavy hearts full of sorrow.
I grew up in Loikaw, the capital city of Kayah state in eastern Myanmar, a town known for its natural beauty, diverse cultural heritage and hidden untouched places. It is a small town that can give a sense of belonging to nature. Every morning, sparrows chirped at my windows and their sounds were a reminder for me that each day was a new beginning. Since my childhood, these moments with the sparrows nurtured a sense of gratitude for every chance to wake up in the morning.
I spent most of my childhood days with my grandmother who was about 91 years old at that time. She did not know her exact age because she was born during colonial times. I loved being with her especially when she shared her life experiences of the Second World War. She told me that life was very difficult, her family had little to eat and wear and she often had to hide in cold and dark caves to survive. Many of her siblings died of starvation and diseases.
Whenever she told me these stories, I was sympathetic to her but I could not fully understand her pain and suffering.
One day, my grandmother called me to her bed and asked, “Do you know how lucky you are?”
“I know because I have something to eat and wear everyday,” I replied.
“You’re right,” she smiled and said, “but remember, one day you may face war like I did. No one can know about the future. I hope you, my grandchild, will be strong enough to endure it.” At that time, I could not imagine what she meant. I thought my country was at peace and that wars could not happen in our town. Although I never believed my grandmother’s words came true, her reminder remained in my mind.
My grandmother used to sell herbs and vegetables at the market once a week and I loved going to the jungle near Loikaw with her to find herbs and wild plants that could not be found in the town. While she searched for her plants, I climbed trees, ate bananas and mangos, swam in the clear streams and picked the colorful wild flowers for my mother. In these moments, I forgot all my problems and I found my happiness. My grandmother always joked that I was Tarzan’s little sister. Each time we went to that jungle, she asked me to make a promise that I would love and preserve it after she passed away. She believed that we are part of the natural world and we belong to the jungle. That promise became my responsibility and I planted trees and organized awareness campaigns with my friends to protect the jungle. It was my responsibility instilled by my grandmother who taught me to love, respect and give back to nature like she did.
On February 1, 2021, Myanmar military seized control of our country by detaining Aung San Suu Kyi and other leaders who had won the 2020 election. At first, citizens launched peaceful protests, strikes and online campaigns in response to the coup, but it turned to civil unrest later due to the military killing innocent people. The resistance spread throughout the country and by early 2022, my hometown, Loikaw was drawn into chaos and became the battleground of a conflict. In that January 2022, my world turned upside down. The war came to our hometown as a result of a military coup. Houses were burnt down, people were arrested and children were killed with gunshots and airstrikes. We were forced to flee with nothing, like food, clothes and everything we needed to survive. The jungle where I went with my grandmother became a military camp and I heard they cut down many trees to get a clear view. Life had suddenly changed into a nightmare. We spent many nights on the road with hungry stomachs and no idea what to do to overcome those darkest nights. Instead of sparrows chirping, I woke up with the sounds of gunfire and bombs. My nights were sleepless, haunted by the visions that I saw: people dying, children crying and asking for help.
I heard miserable news almost everyday such as I lost my cousin in an airstrike and my friend’s father was killed by a landmine. I was in grief everyday and I felt like my heart was shattered into broken pieces. I missed my grandmother these days more than I could express, especially our time in the jungle. Her warning about war now turned into reality and she was right. I am living and struggling through a war that I could never imagine even in my dreams.
There were times that I wanted to give up everything when the darkness of the war seemed too much to see the future. Nevertheless, the memories from the days when I played in the paddy fields with my cousins and friends and the time with my grandmother made me strong. I thank my grandmother, my friends and Loikaw for creating these beautiful and invaluable memories and they reminded me that even in the midst of despair, I still have my family who love and support me. Those precious moments motivated me to keep going.
Now, I have been away from my hometown for four years, but Loikaw is still inside me with an unchanged existence. Whenever I meet people from my town, I ask them the same question. “What do you want most right now?” Without hesitation, they all give the same answer that they want to return to Loikaw even though they had lost all of their properties. They will be satisfied if they can spend the rest of their life there.
I have realized how precious our peaceful days are: something I had presumed would always remain the same. However, peace is fragile and once it is destroyed we have to lose everything, our stable lives, our invaluable memories and future. Peace is the foundation of our identity and the future we dream of and the bridge that connects the society. In Loikaw, I have witnessed the destructive power of war and I believe stopping wars is the first step towards peace. Peace is the only way to heal the wounds left by war and it is something we must cultivate to rebuild not only our town but also our nation.
As my grandmother survived through the hardships of wars, I found strength and motivation from the memory of her to face my own challenges. Whenever I think back to our time in the jungle, the promise I made to my grandmother that I would give back to nature resurfaces to my mind. Even though things seem lost and hopeless at the moment, that promise keeps me moving forward. I know that one day peaceful days will return and I will continue to nurture my love, respect and protection for the land we both cherished and thrived until these days come.
